See Saw

Because this Saturday I sure as hell am going to, and I want you to suffer with me.

This weekend Saw 7 comes out in theaters and I am all fired up to see it. Not so much because I think it is going to be great, because I don’t. It’s more for morbid curiosity, and plus it is supposedly the last one, you know, like the last four Saw movies. That’s right, I have seen every Saw that has come out. Here, allow me to present my synopsis of the series:

Class, what can we learn from above graph?

1. Saw 1 was pretty damn good and probably should have also been the last Saw.

2. A direct correlation between number of flashbacks and overall movie crappiness.

3. Not in the graph but I feel the need to say this, Jigsaw has been dead since Saw 3. And yet, Tobin Bell is still employed.

In the spirit of true sado-masochism, I now propose the 7 Days of Saw: Starting tonight, I watch one Saw movie every day and then see Saw 7 on Saturday. And then I will never have to deal with them again, until Saw 8: Jigsaw’s Grand-kids Graduate College comes out next year.

Oh, and I think I’ll make a bunch of birds watch with me.

SAW 1

Titi_Budgie

just watched the first Saw movie. Which reminds me, I need to clean my bathroom.

SAW 2

BangladeshBudgi

just watched Saw 2. You call that a tech team?Bangladesh Budgie would have found the right house much more quickly by following the screams!

SAW 3

ScrambledEggBob

just watched Saw 3, and boy did that impromptu brain surgery with a power drill in the basement remind me a lot of my HMO.

SAW 4

_AppleDipper_

watched Saw 4 last night. Donnie Wahlberg, that is not what it means to Hang Tough. This is why I hate boy bands.

SAW 5

_PricklyPete_

just watched Saw 5. These movie are becoming less about Captain Brain Tumor and more about some showboating asshat with a badge. HISSSS

SAW 6

BudgeçoisPièrre

watched zee Saw 6 last soir. Sacré bleu, ah should lahke to secede from zees movie at once!

SAW 7

Scary__Larry

watched Saw 7 in 3D. If you leave your glasses on after the credits, you see the real Jigsaw: a white budgie with red eyes. Heh heh heeeeh

_AppleDipper_

Havoc’s Dream Journal: A more horrifying nightmare I cannot imagine.

They were alive. And there were many of them. AND I DIDN’T APPROVE.

Last night I dreamed that in order to work on my dissertation, I visited a Tanytrachelos farm, where a bunch of LIVING Tanytracheloses were running around wooping it up. What’s a Tanytrachelos, you ask? It’s a smug, swimming, glorified lizard that had a huge party in a single lake in the Triassic and died there/then. And it is the object of my dissertation. Well anyway, in spite of the fact that this thing was to exclusively be a FOSSIL, I visited this farm full of the little guys and saw them all running around and splashing in the water and I was there to look at them and I suppose write about them. They were completely accurate in their morphology as well. And they were light greenish yellow. Mind you, I don’t just dream in color, I dream in 3-D. And in all five senses. So when one of the cheeky bastards jumped up on me after having been playing and splashing in the water, I felt its reptilian skin and its Tanytrachelos-flavored water dripping off its webbed feet onto me and its tiny little toenails, and I was all like, “icky poo there is a soggy Tanytrachelos on me get it away!”

Let us not confuse this dream with the dream I had a long time ago where some local confection-maker had produced a line of chocolate bars shaped like Tanytrachelos… and I ate one in front of one of my advisers to see him react and he started freaking out, even though these candies were mass produced. That dream was hilarious… this dream was just awful. If the Tanytrachelos ever suddenly goes Coelacanth on my ass, I will freak out to epic proportions.

You’re keeping your change under where?

The following incident more or less happened at the flea market yesterday:

Havoc: Look dear, undies with zippered pockets!

Pooky: That’s weird.

Havoc: I like it.

Pooky: Why would you need that?

Havoc: I’m getting them!

You know, for when they play with wood

Today, my husband was telling me about televised lumberjack competitions and the contests that take place during such events. After a second’s worth of deep thought, I asked him, “So would this competition be called a Lumberjack-Off?”

With a small smile escaping his lips despite my husband’s better judgment and efforts, he said, “no.”

My victorious reply: “Haaa, I see a smile!!”

Which witch?

I had the following conversation with Pooky Bear today about witches:

Havoc: Is a warlock a male witch?

Pooky: Maybe, I’m not sure, I think they might be slightly different.

Havoc: Because I have only heard of she-witches. I have never heard of a he-witch.

Pooky: I have heard of a Manwich!

Havoc: *dies laughing*

Yes I will help you, but only by thoroughly humilating you in the process

Once again I have received an email from some random undergrad who wants me to force add him to the Personal Health class that I am not teaching. No, really, it’s true:

Hello,

I`m a international student from and right now i`m having some problems with school because i`m under the full time student credit limit.They kindly ask me to register for a 3 credit class to exceed the limit that i should have exceed when registering but they haven`t tell me anything about it until this morning.So i`m just wondering if you can give me permission to force register for the Personal Health class that you are giving online.(I`m willing to do all the past homeworks and other things in a very very short period of time if you allow me to force register)

 

I wanted to just reply with one of my prepared replies from the last stint of personal health students, but first I wanted to know, where did you get my email address? Essentially I would like to know why this stupidity keeps happening (although I have a pretty good idea).

His reply: The link to the webpage of my Graduate Studies in the department of Geosciences. You know, where it says the words PhD Candidate right under the name.

I tried to let it go. But then I couldn’t. So this resulted:

Fair enough. Do you see the big letters at the top that says geosciences? And then below where it says Graduate Student? And then where it says PHD CANDIDATE next to my name? I would think this implies that I am a graduate student in geosciences, not a personal health instructor.

So basically, even if I wanted to I couldn’t help you with your problem.

Wait! Everybody hold very still. I think something is dawning on him:

Yeah you are right i was sensing some problem with it but the course is cross registered with geosciences so basically i don`t know, maybe you should be more clear about that at your website?

Anyway have a great day

I’m sorry everyone, that was my folly. Nothing dawned on anyone apparently. Bro, you are trying to put out a grease fire by dumping lighter fluid on it. Please let me get the fire extinguisher:

Personal Health is of course not, by the way, cross registered with Geosciences. Here, let me help you:

http://www.vto.vt.edu/course.php?cid=637

This is the actual description of your coveted Personal Health class. One would note that under “Instructors:”, it has the email address of the course instructor (the thirty-third line of text from the top) in case you would like to email her as well.

On the other hand you make a good point about making the Geosciences website more clear. See, back in the 1920s, the Health department and Geosciences department here were sister departments due to the the claims back then of the health benefits of Asbestos. After asbestos was found to be quite bad for us, the two departments permanently split and are now the independent ones we see today. Anyway, thank you for your suggestion. I’ll mention it to the webmaster.

… did it work?

Thank you for your help i sent a email to her and she`s taking care of it(happy ending ).

Yes, happy ending. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Grape Escape

While washing a bag of grapes that I had bought today, I found out that a ladybug had stowed away among them when it fell out into the sink. I promptly shot it down the drain with a hose and then burned it with scalding hot water. That will teach you to stow away in my fruit, ma’am.

Pyro: a Story of Heat and Stupidity

Note: My genius sister Pandemonia came up with the title. Oh Pandemonia, you inspire me to to do wonderful, horrible things. ♥

Also Note: Yes, this shit did happen.

This is the story about a man

Who near set fire to a pan.

He scared his lovely neighbors and he got his door smashed down.

Apparently the man had gone

Out and left a pan upon

The stovetop which he had left on while traipsing thru the town.

I myself was fast asleep

When his alarm went “beep beep beep!”

We all came out to have a peep and see what was the matter.

The firemen were standing there

Outside the Pyro’s fuming lair.

Since it was locked, the men declared, the door will have to shatter.

They hacked and hacked and hacked some more

At the smoking, steadfast door.

Eventually their axes tore right through this wood obstruction.

As his apartment yerfed out smoke,

I called the pyrotastic bloke

And left a voicemail with a joke about his pan’s destruction.

He came home and was less than thrilled

To see his pan and door were killed.

For the mess he would be billed far out the ass, I’d posit.

So now, “Pyro” is his name

To signify his dumbass fame.

At least he will not have to claim his security deposit.

Some day stamps will cost $3.14

Yesterday, I went down to posty and said to the woman, “May I buy a pi- no, not a pie. A PAGE of forever stamps. Sorry, the pie was a Freudian slip.”

Example number 314 showing that even when I don’t realize it, I am thinking about sweets.

So that is what popularity is like

Back in Middle School and High School, there was some random guy in some of my random classes here and there. He wasn’t uber popular, but he was in the valence levels of the “in crowd”. Thus we basically didn’t deal with each other, and yet, I couldn’t really stand him either.

Well, his name was Andrew Nuss. And sometimes his friends would give him a horrible time by purposefully calling him A. Nuss. And I would silently laugh and laugh. Which I don’t do anymore, of course. Now I noticeably laugh about it.

But really, if this was how to be popular-ish in high school, I bet I would have been all the rage if my name were Beatrice Hynde.