AIM Chain

Pandemonia’s AIM Status: I am not who you think I am…

Morgy’s AIM Status: Then who are you?

Havoc’s AIM Status: Don’t you worry about who I am, worry about where I’m lurking, brother.

Like I really need to be Driven insane

Well, for $3600 I would have almost tolerated resorting to becoming the God of Sunfire. It was a 1999, it only had 84,000 miles on it, it was green and from the outside it looked pretty decent. And since the Phatmobile was very near death, leaking fluids from here and there and simply old and tired, it only made logical, heartbreaking sense to trade it in and buy a car that wasn’t incontinent with the antifreeze. And after all, the Phatmobile was an organ donor, hence our yanking the stereo out before having it put it to sleep.

But new car was no phatmobile. It was not Phat 2 Electric Bugaloo. It was not 2 Phat 2 Phurious. It was a lame assed two-door pontiac with no moonroof, no power windows or locks, and no turbo. It did not haul ass. I even drove it on the highway, it did not haul anything. It also had no bass. And because it had no bass, it had no balls. Unlike its predecessor, I couldn’t feel a thing when jacking the volume up while Smack My Bitch Up was playing. The mirrors didn’t even shake. Nothing. And, I guarantee you that thing couldn’t Tokyo Drift.

What made us take it back, however, was finding out that the car in reality had 130,00 miles on it. This occurred two mornings later, when I then decided to drive that car back to the man who sold it to me, so I could drive it directly up his ass where I would then parallel park it (footnote 33). Long story short, we arrived, dropped off the crapmobile, got our money back, and went home without ever even seeing my poor Phatmobile that was in the back somewhere. The shop owner seemed like he didn’t know about this minor difference in miles, an ambiguity that was nearly the only thing that kept me from telling him, “I’m your bartender, bitch, and the drink of the day is Molotov Cocktail!”

One would think that I would be happy dodging a green bullet like that, and in a way I am. However, look at where I left the Phatmobile to die. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. It was supposed to go live on a farm upstate, not die on a lot owned by some yokel who can’t read a Carfax.

Click this picture of my fallen partner in crime to see his playlist.

Losing my beloved Phatmobile in itself is hard enough on me. In fact, let us all take a moment of silence for the Phatmobile… Now (footnote 34).

WARNING

Reading this blog has been known to instill Cthulhu Madness in some individuals.

FSTNFRS, 1988 Style

When driving about this or the neighboring tiny little white-bread suburban town that really has nothing going for it, I derive great pleasure from blasting Tokyo Drift by the Teriyaki Boyz loudly from my car wherever I please, in the parking lot, to the market, at the mall, and most of all in the middle of traffic. There are four main reasons that this is a favorite hobby of mine:

1. I enjoy irritating and/or intimidating yuppies, hillbillies, suburbanites and just normal people in general ♥.

2. My car speakers hemorrhage bass to the point where the pavement surrounding my car enters a near-liquid state.

3. It’s a Japanese rap song and thus kicks a supreme amount of ass.

4. And lastly, because THIS is what the song is blasting out from:

Other favorites that I like to blast from my almighty Phatmobile for annoyance of the public include Get Your Freak On (footnote 32), Milkshake, Scooter’s rendition of Habanera, and of course, Smack My Bitch Up. Mind you, this is not to be confused with the ♫Bass Boaster Playlist♬, which I also use to annoy the normals, nor with the ♫Phatmobile Theme Songs♬.

I’m nearly pene myself laughing

Well well. I noticed THIS of my bottle of vitamins in the medicine cabinet yesterday:

Hahaha... it says PENE. ☺

Why, what is this? It seems that somebody in the house has taken a sharpie and crossed out the letters LYCO from the word LYCOPENE on the bottle! But who other than myself is so cheeky to do such a thing? The rabbit, who has no opposable thumbs with which to hold a marker? The bird, who after 11 years of existing outside the egg still doesn’t fully understand the concept of the bathroom? The husband, who recently bought $25 worth of sharpies and is prone to pulling sneaky pranks on his unwitting wife?

Or was it… the little penguin who lives in the bathroom???

You mischievous little pene-quin.

Pep-per Spray

Last night, I offered the following pep talk (footnote 31) to a buddy of mine, in email presence of my sister:

Once upon a time, there was a little girl with red hair. A young little girl who at this moment was still less than four feet tall. A kindergartner. Well one day she was riding the bus home when she saw two first graders pushing around her boyfriend, who was also in kindergarten. Little girl did not stand for such shenanigans. She went up to where the three boys where and beat the ever living daylights out of the two first graders. They then had to live in shame for the rest of their lives, as they were beaten up by a wee little girl who was younger than they, both at the same time. However, the girl knew all along that she would win the fight, and had approached the situation with the correct mindset, rendering her victorious.

Your take home message from this anecdote is this: Don’t let first graders push you around! The next time you see one or more first graders doing something that you don’t agree with, go up to them and beat the snot out of them! I did it, and you can do it too!!

I propose a new slang term (most likely used by ladies)

And that term shall be: Y-chromo(s) (footnote 30).

Y-chromos is short for Y chromosomes, which refers to menfolk, due to their whole XY chromosomal configuration going on there. My sister Pandemonia and I realized tonight that this is a word that needs to exist in today’s society.

Now, let’s use the new word in a sentence, class:

“The last Y-chromo that I dated received a Kick-to-the-Groin-o-Gram for his birthday this year.” (In this sentence, the man is an XY-Chromo.)

“There are three Y-chromos in there arguing about which Twilight star they would want to punch out first. I almost joined them.”

DERIVATIVES:

• XY-chromo: exboyfriend/husband
• Y-chrome: gussied up man
• Y-chromophobia: fear of men
• Y-chrone: ugly transvestite
• Y-chromatic: singing man
• Y-chromite: iron man
• Y-chronic: lingering/tenacious man
• Y-chron: length of time it takes a man to do something
• Y-bromo: brother
• Y-chromofo: manly mother muchacho

A Pupu Haiku for Hulu

My dearest Hulu:

Upload better 80s shows;

ALF does not suffice.

Well, there’s a feather in your cap

Perhaps old Frau mistook me for Herr Bear?

I was pulling a 45 lb quartz along the sidewalk for an old woman who had borrowed the quartz from the museum, when she noticed my fedora and sincerely said to me, “That’s a nice hat. Did it come with a feather in it?“

“No, no it did not,” I had to reply.

I’m not really this class’s professor, but I’ve got a tidbit of knowledge about Personal Health for you, students

And here it is: Bugging me about some class I have never even heard of because you are trying to email a professor whose last name is also SMITH is very bad for your Personal Health, boys and girls.

Over the past week or so I have now received two unsolicited, independent emails about some stupid Personal Health class because the undergrads asking about it a. don’t know the email of their future professor, and thus b. get the email wrong because they think only one person in the world has the last name Smith. The first chick wanted me to force add her to the class:

Ms. Smith,

I was wondering if there is any way for you to force add me to your spring semester Personal Health online class? I am very interested in taking it and considering it is online it fits perfectly into my already full schedule. I did not get the course during course request and I am hoping you will be able to help. Please let me know. Thank you very much!

Hally Hardtke

My dear Hally, how it pains me to see you unable to get into the courses you want. It doubly pains me that I could not force add you to anything, including the world of proper people search, even if I wanted to. So sad. At least the next person who emailed me about the course didn’t have the same problem, I mean he successfully enrolled in the course, perhaps it should be a lesson to you Hally:

Hi Professor Smith,

I’m enrolled in EDHL 1514 for next semester and wanted to see if I could find out some information from you. I’m actually taking the class while down in Florida for an internship with Disney. I’m leaving in early January and won’t return until mid May, at the conclusion of the semester. I was going to buy my textbook before I left for the semester. Could I get the name of the textbook? My friend is in the class and she has “Personal Health, a Concise Guide” by Redican. Is this the same textbook that we will be using? A new one comes with a CD I believe, is that necessary for the class? I just want to make sure I have everything because once I leave that’s pretty much it haha. Thank you so much for your time!

-Patrick Ciullo

Class of 2012

Thank you for contacting me, Patty (and by the way, congratulations on your possibly impending graduation 2.5 years from now). Your call is important to us and will be answered on a first come first served basis. In the meantime I shall email you back and ask, “Where did you get my contact info? You are the second person to bother me with this.” Oh but look, before I can decide on a textbook for a class I don’t teach and have nothing to do with, Patty has sent us a reply:

It says under hokie spa, under the course name the teacher is smith. I typed it in Google and this is what I got haha. Sorry about the confusion though!

Patrick Ciullo

The name is Smith? Fair enough. Smith is a strikingly rare name. I mean, if Smith were a common last name, then I would have spent my entire Middle School and High School careers hanging out with a best friend who was also named Smith. Or, if it were a common name, the writers of The Matrix might be inclined to make it the name of the main antagonist in the movies. Obviously, none of these things happened, so I can totally see where Patty is coming from. Also, good call on typing it into Google instead of into the University-specific people search on the homepage. Very parsimonious. Well played old bean.

Perhaps my reactions seem harsh, I mean after all, they both just made a mistake, right? It’s not like it was a ridiculous mistake.

Au contraire, mes amis (footnote 7). Let us consider the following variables:

• In spite of what I said previously, there is more than one Smith in the world.
• I am unlisted in the University people search and listings. Thus, had Hally and Patty taken sane routes to find their beloved professor-to-be, they would not be bothering me with this.
• The only place my email address is listed is on the info webpage given to me by my department. The Geosciences department. A web page that says Geosciences in big bold letters at the top. And under Geosciences it says, Graduate Student in not quite as big, but still rather noticeable font. I suppose the text below that that says Candidate for PhD is also irrelevant.

Suffice to say, the next time(s) I get any email about some stupid online course about personal health, one or more of the following responses shall be deployed:

Thank you for your email. The text this year shall be A Modest Proposal written by Jonathan Swift. 75% of the final exam will deal with the text, while the other 25% will test your ability to correctly tie various nautical rope knots.

or

I’m sorry, but this online course must be taken on campus. The idea that an online course may be taken anywhere there is an internet connection is an urban myth. I have undercover spies watching you all to make sure you are submitting your little assignments from the school library.

or

Have you ever been to the dentist? In spite of being a personal health professor, I have never been, and I have an appointment scheduled next Tuesday. I’m really nervous, since Jerry Seinfeld once said that a dentist is just a masochist with newer magazines. I tell you what, if you go in my place, I will give you an automatic 4.0 for the course and you won’t have to do assignments or the final.

or if all else fails,

As a student in my class, your first mandatory instructions are found at this link. You cannot pass my class if you fail to follow these instructions.