I’m not really this class’s professor, but I’ve got a tidbit of knowledge about Personal Health for you, students
And here it is: Bugging me about some class I have never even heard of because you are trying to email a professor whose last name is also SMITH is very bad for your Personal Health, boysand girls.
Over the past week or so I have now received two unsolicited, independent emails about some stupid Personal Health class because the undergrads asking about it a. don’t know the email of their future professor, and thus b. get the email wrong because they think only one person in the world has the last name Smith. The first chick wanted me to force add her to the class:
Ms. Smith,
I was wondering if there is any way for you to force add me to your spring semester Personal Health online class? I am very interested in taking it and considering it is online it fits perfectly into my already full schedule. I did not get the course during course request and I am hoping you will be able to help. Please let me know. Thank you very much!
Hally
My dear Hally, how it pains me to see you unable to get into the courses you want. It doubly pains me that I could not force add you to anything, including the world of proper people search, even if I wanted to. So sad. At least the next person who emailed me about the course didn’t have the same problem, I mean he successfully enrolled in the course, perhaps it should be a lesson to you Hally:
Hi Professor Smith,
I’m enrolled in EDHL 1514 for next semester and wanted to see if I could find out some information from you. I’m actually taking the class while down in Florida for an internship with Disney. I’m leaving in early January and won’t return until mid May, at the conclusion of the semester. I was going to buy my textbook before I left for the semester. Could I get the name of the textbook? My friend is in the class and she has “Personal Health, a Concise Guide” by Redican. Is this the same textbook that we will be using? A new one comes with a CD I believe, is that necessary for the class? I just want to make sure I have everything because once I leave that’s pretty much it haha. Thank you so much for your time!
-Patrick
Class of 2012
Thank you for contacting me, Patty (and by the way, congratulations on your possibly impending graduation 2.5 years from now). Your call is important to us and will be answered on a first come first served basis. In the meantime I shall email you back and ask, “Where did you get my contact info? You are the second person to bother me with this.” Oh but look, before I can decide on a textbook for a class I don’t teach and have nothing to do with, Patty has sent us a reply:
It says under hokie spa, under the course name the teacher is smith. I typed it in Google and this is what I got haha. Sorry about the confusion though!
Patrick Ciullo
The name is Smith? Fair enough. Smith is a strikingly rare name. I mean, if Smith were a common last name, then I would have spent my entire Middle School and High School careers hanging out with a best friend who was also named Smith. Or, if it were a common name, the writers of The Matrix might be inclined to make it the name of the main antagonist in the movies. Obviously, none of these things happened, so I can totally see where Patty is coming from. Also, good call on typing it into Google instead of into the University-specific people search on the homepage. Very parsimonious. Well played old bean.
Perhaps my reactions seem harsh, I mean after all, they both just made a mistake, right? It’s not like it was a ridiculous mistake.
Au contraire, mes amis (footnote 7). Let us consider the following variables:
- In spite of what I said previously, there is more than one Smith in the world.
- I am unlisted in the University people search and listings. Thus, had Hally and Patty taken sane routes to find their beloved professor-to-be, they would not be bothering me with this.
- The only place my email address is listed is on the info webpage given to me by my department. The Geosciences department. A web page that says Geosciences in big bold letters at the top. And under Geosciences it says, Graduate Student in not quite as big, but still rather noticeable font. I suppose the text below that that says Candidate for PhD is also irrelevant.
Suffice to say, the next time(s) I get any email about some stupid online course about personal health, one or more of the following responses shall be deployed:
Thank you for your email. The text this year shall be A Modest Proposal written by Jonathan Swift. 75% of the final exam will deal with the text, while the other 25% will test your ability to correctly tie various nautical rope knots.
or
I’m sorry, but this online course must be taken on campus. The idea that an online course may be taken anywhere there is an internet connection is an urban myth. I have undercover spies watching you all to make sure you are submitting your little assignments from the school library.
or
Have you ever been to the dentist? In spite of being a personal health professor, I have never been, and I have an appointment scheduled next Tuesday. I’m really nervous, since Jerry Seinfeld once said that a dentist is just a masochist with newer magazines. I tell you what, if you go in my place, I will give you an automatic 4.0 for the course and you won’t have to do assignments or the final.
or if all else fails,
As a student in my class, your first mandatory instructions are found at this link. You cannot pass my class if you fail to follow these instructions.
